Some things I have learned

Murphys, Ca. -- I tend to dwell on the past -- good and bad -- more than I did when much younger. I think there are reasons for that: I am more prone to guilt for things I did wrong; and I am more prone to think the good old days were better than today. The guilt comes from being unable to right the wrongs of the past. When I was unkind, selfish or uncaring. Once the opportunity is past, for decades at least, it is truly past. People moved away. Gave up on me. Died with no contact. Even a few items nag. But I did some things right, like marrying Pat, and I learned some lessons along the way. Two important things I did learn: do what you can, and live today. Oh, and maybe most important: keep on doing stuff for as long as you can. I know in hindsight I could have been a better and more involved husband instead of being so focused on my work. I learned late in life about sharing the house burdens that men of my generation assumed would be always handled by women. It still seems odd when I remember to load the dishwasher, or run the vacuum cleaner. Hopefully my son and grandson and great-grandson will be better at sharing the load. My son-in-law has been a role model. I know I could have been a better parent, though I am not quite sure how. Probably life would have been easier for my children if I had been a better listener. Fortunately, and maybe through luck, they have turned out well. I suspect I would do no better if given another chance.

I know I could have been a better boss in the 30 years I was an editor at various newspapers. It seems strange to say but I was too easy on people who needed someone to tell them to work harder or do better or find another occupation. They would have been happier and the newspapers I ran would have been better. I could have learned earlier to put a bridle on my sometimes sarcastic tongue. The Book of James should have taught me, but it took a work colleague to help redirect me. A group was talking about other people, and I was pretty critical and putting someone down. Then this colleague reacted by responding quietly: "He always speaks highly of you." It was like being hit with a brick. I have always been thankful for that. And somewhere along the way I wish I had learned to put the past behind me, including my mistakes and those of others. The anger I carried through the years against a few people who hurt me still burdens me. I say I can forgive, but not forget, but the reality is forgiveness has to be renewed every day until it is no longer needed. That is a lifelong chore. I was lucky to have a friend in Modesto pass along advice from our minister after he went to him in anguish about what he should do with his life. Take a vow? Become a missionary? Give away everything? Nope, said the wise Rev. Nelson, go "work in the vineyard." Simply put, look what is put before you and take care of it. Stop sitting around worrying. The final and continuing lesson is to live today. Not yesterday and not tomorrow, times that we have little control over. I am still working on that. Until we quit, we all are becoming something else.